Wanting and Fearing, part 2

“I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.” - J.D. Salinger

I wrote about wanting and fearing a while back. I think that post was rather vague. I'm usually vague when I want to talk about something serious. I want to do my best not to be vague now. I'll try not to get poetic, or rambling, and just get down to what I want to say.

What I want to say is terribly frightening to confess. I wouldn't confess it under any other circumstances, but now I'm in a situation where all my bridges are burned, all exits are closed. I'm cornered and I'm basically fucked anyway, so I might as well say it.

I'll start with the confession, and then I'll explain why. This makes for poor textual structure, but I think I need to get out and say it. Here goes:

Tomorrow I will have a choice. I can either board the plane, or I can not board the plane. Whichever option I choose, I will be chickening out. Whichever option I choose, I will be succumbing to fear. No matter what I do, it will be incredibly unpleasant.

Virtually everything I do is motivated by fear. “Pleasure” in my mind is essentially just the absence of fear, with all other qualities being secondary. Which means that, when I make a choice, I generally go with the less frightening option. This is basically true in everything I do. You'd be surprised, really.

Which means that, in the question of going to China, I'm not considering what I want. At all. I claim I do, but I don't, because what I want is so tiny and insignificant compared to what I fear. So, on both sides of the argument, I have fears. On the “dont' go” side, I have a multitude of various fears – most pressingly, the fear of the unknown, but also, the fear of losing everyone I love. This is, I suppose, not very rational. What if everyone forgets me? Unlikely. What if everyone dies in a fire? Then I'd likely die in the same fire if I stayed anyway. An irrational fear. But fear, like want, doesn't have to be rational. We want because we want. We fear because we fear.

On the “do go” side, I have, most pressingly, the fear of losing everyone I love.

That is to say, I'm afraid that if I don't go, I will lose everyone I love. Because I'll be letting them down. I'll be letting you down.

This reasoning does not seem strange to me, because my most guiding, tangible, strong fear is the fear of being abandoned. It's always present, and it's always ridiculously disproportionate. This is the hardest part to admit. Even now, I'm afraid to say it – just writing it, even though nobody can even read it yet and I could just delete it after it appears on the screen. I always, always, always fear this. You think I trust you? On good days I do. On bad days (which is most of the time) I'm convinced that really, you only stick around because you haven't got an excuse to ditch me yet. No matter who you are. If you know me, it applies. It has applied since the day I met you.

And what better excuse to ditch me can you find than “talked all about China for several months and then finally chickened out and didn't go”? I think it's a pretty good excuse. It tells of a person who is all talk and no action, an overblown, self-important jackass who doesn't perform when push comes to shove. It's a classical trope.

Which is why, no matter what I choose, I'll be a coward. In the end I'm going to choose whichever option seems less frightening. I'm not sure what that's going to be yet. I've been pushing the choice until now, always leaving the back door open, desperately hoping for some third alternative, something which doesn't blind me with sheer terror. There doesn't seem to be one. I'm cornered.

Fear is all I have.